the deep blue blog
2005-04-24
2004-02-08
And the nightmare returns once more...
I just went thru a terrifying two-and-a-half-hour period between 2am & 4.30am, when firstly I felt quite nauseated and then went thru a procession of 'what-if-I-had's in which my mind tried to sort out how I might have disclosed my depression to the others (who didn't know about it) in the CTG production last year and also in 2002. Suffice to say that it was pretty full-on and the emphasis was, again, on how I could have slashed my wrists - and where.
2004-02-02
New (lunar) year, but no change...
Those who know who I am will know that I am of Chinese origins. (I prefer words like 'origins', 'ethnic origins' & 'ancestry' over 'race'.) So you would have realised that the Chinese/Lunar New Year began back on 22 January. OK, so what? Well, the thing is that I've hardly sent any of my friends a CNY greeting, whether by e-mail, chat room facility, etc. Why? Because my emotions went thru a pretty rotten time. And still have been overall. Not that I deliberately want(ed) to avoid the celebrations altogether. It's just that there has been nothing within myself that feels there's any use in doing so. Now, this is because of the low spell, not that I'm trying to distance myself from the act of wishing someone prosperity and all that shit. But there's something in me, something that 'fears' 'guilt' over the whole conundrum of whether to send someone a CNY greeting. I wrote about 'guilt' a few days ago. 'Fear' conjures a similar bunch of like emotions that connive to make me withdraw myself from seemingly all activity.
It's still there. It's still here, with me, right now. I don't like it. Not at all. It would be something of an irony (and an alarm-ringer) if I were to link the colour red in the CNY celebrations with the colour red of my blood were I to slash my wrists. It does hover in my mind from time to time. Urrgh. What a disaster that would be. But why am I thinking right now that, if I did slash my wrists, this 'link' would 'work'? Uh-oh. This doesn't look good. This isn't a great time for me. Not by any means. Help...
2004-02-01
Talking about it...
While I searched thru' some sites discussing depression & suicide in the past hour or so, a possibly-stupid-but-actually-isn't question came to mind: 'Do I need to talk about how I want to kill myself in order to solve the problem?'
Answer: definitely YES.
Why? Because thru' that way I can discover some (if not all) of the underlying reasons behind why I have turned to suicide as an option.
The message I want to send out is: somehow, in spite of all the agony I am going thru', I have to face the deep end in order to return to mormalcy again. Somehow...
2004-01-31
About 'guilt'...
I'm not sure if, whether on my geocities website or here, I've ever talked about one of the underlying characteristics that both is a symptom and a precipitation of my depression. Guilt. It's a nasty cycle. As a symptom, it hits me like a dart and, in its own menacing way, gradually drives me to 'hide' away from others. By 'hide' I mean feelings like:
- being terrified about bumping into people I know (and sometimes don't);
- being terrified about thinking I'm going to bump into them, whether that eventuates or not;
- being terrified, when I am actually around others, that every move, action or word from me is a matter of life-or-death, and that I am going to be severely judged accordingly;
- that, when I am actually around others, having my mind drift off or being unable to keep up with (or cope with) the topic under conversation;
- that some of the more sudden or incoherent or dramatic or dangerous symptoms I have, will bubble up from within and spill over in front of them, without any warning or explanation;
- that, should either of the two previous events happen, I will be judged in a negative frame of light;
- being unable or unwilling to explain why I can't or won't attend this social gathering or that event;
- being unable or unwilling to explain why I feel or act in a certain 'abnormal' way;
- being unable or unwilling to face up and acknowledge what I've done, after 'the damage' is done; and
- wanting to 'slither away' from the face of the earth (whether that's by staying 'inside' or by killing myself).
As a precipitation, it compounds any combination of the above that I may have at any given time. Sure, I may have momentary flashes of brightness, confidence and cheerfulness, but the dark cloud that hovers over me is not easily fluffed or shoved away. It requires a great deal of effort - both to bring myself back into and appreciate events or activities that I like to do, see or listen to, and to not let these 'guilty' feelings continue on and affect me to my detriment. No, make that a humungous amount of effort. Because it demands that I systematically pick out what is not right, what the underlying factors behind these are, and how to divert the current pattern of 'guilt' off into a different direction, one which is at least not as ferociously frightening on my inner self.
Writing them down is an absolute must for me as part of such a process. And almost one factor which gets written down (in one way or another) is my long-standing tendency of shyness. Now, that's despite the time when I get seemingly hyperactive about things that really interest me. Yes, I do have a tendency to pull off some outrageous jokes (verbal only). But that's simply not a true reflection of myself - not what I think it is, anyway. I think I'm very reserved in many respects. And my depression has made those reservations even more pronounced.
The last 9 months have been the most challenging in terms of the 'guilt' factor. My memory has suffered quite a bit from my depression, and so I can't remember if this has been the worst, but on a persistent, consistent, medium-term basis, I cannot recall experiencing and fighting against such mind-draining manifestations. Never. And never have they been more pronounced than during the rehearsal and production stages of last year's CTG play. And it has affected me to the extent that I ask myself: should I ever encounter CTG, or CMG, ever again? I will say this: my thoughts have persuaded me, at the moment, not to do so. Somehow I feel I need to 'break from the past' (in spite of the good times I've had with both clubs), clean the slate (although this might be impossible until I get permanently well again) and focus on the future. Whatever that may be. But looking forward might be the only way. The process of heading in that direction (and this is the really difficult part) is yet to be comprehensively set out. And will need that whole load of sorting out and writing out that I mentioned earlier.
I don't feel right now that complaining, or making a big statement, about my shyness is much of a help. I don't know if it's a bad thing. Maybe I will have to do it at some stage later on. But this is not an easy subject for me to delve into with a lot of confidence, so I'll leave that aside. Just for the moment.
2004-01-30
A cool Thursday
For the first time in perhaps two weeks, Melbourne actually had persistent rain! It's about time too. I'm not in Dubai, thank you very much!
Went for a job interview @ RMIT's Level 4 food court. My nerves were really creating some problems at first, but after some minutes of thinking over a set of questions that each candidate had to answer (plus a bit of prayer to God at RMIT's library beforehand), I don't think I did too badly. Which is better than a disaster, to say the least. Somehow the interviewers have to cut 300 candidates down to 50 by late afternoon tomorrow. Ooof!!! Pressure, pressure... I hope I did OK there. But stumbling my words may not have been a big help. I think I filled in the application form to the best of my ability. Which at least showed to myself that I was switched on and focused on filling in those blanks. It's a nice-looking food court. Dunno what it's really like at lunchtime during semester. Look at Melbourne Uni's food court - that's chocobloc especially when it rains outside. Hmmm... well, I'll just have to wait and see if they include me in the shortlist. If they do, they'll contact me. If they don't, they won't.
And I'll just press on looking for another suitable part-time job to fill in the timetable gaps...
2004-01-28
Something new...
Had dinner tonight in the CBD with Mum, my brother & his girlfriend Lisa. I can say it was something very new for me! It went well, thanks.
2004-01-24
24 hours ago, you would've caught me in my 48th hour (or thereabouts) of feeling my mind meander and wonder around in circles, to the point of being unendingly frustration and irritation beyond anyone's imagination. Well, almost anyone's. When you think your circle of 'contactable people' (let alone 'friends') has shrunk to just one or two, it just doesn't easily come into your mind that this is in fact another low depressive spell, and not the entire world voting by proxy to abandon you. That's what happened to me last night, and for much of yesterday. In hindsight, it was plainly obvious, during my Net chat with two uni friends last night, that nearly every one of my responses was an expression of a badly-damaged, completely-isolated and non-sociable soul. I was upping the stakes (and the bar). I was hostile, terse, frustrated. I have not felt that way for a while.
These spells happen. They just fuckin' well happen. Sometimes I don't know why. Sometimes I ought to know why. But as much as these are awful, deeply intense and emotionally self-destructing, they are also immensely attratictive and powerfully captivating in their exhibition (in my mind) of expressions I am quite often tempted to exercise on myself, regardless of the consequences.
2004-01-12
YYYEEEESSSS!!! At 4:36pm today, this incredible burden is finally off my back! Yes, I actually handed in my CLIA essay! I can't even begin to describe what a relief it is! But I can tell you, 90 minutes ago I was still freaking out, because I was deepinto editing my footnotes to fit them into the Melbourne Uni Law Fac's required format. And I hadn't even begun my conclusion yet! Well, to my absolute relief I managed to finish the footnotes, type in something that resembled a conclusion, a final check and - hey presto - there it was, actually done!!! Even though I didn't have enough time to do a comprehensive bibliography, at least the bulk of it - no, make it the vast bulk of it - was done! Oh, what a feeling! (sorry, Toyota, that wasn't an endorsement of you product... hahaha)...
Anywayz, my car parking ticket expired at 4:45pm, so gotta go down now ASAP. And return a few library books. But that's just minor stuff now. Really minor stuff...
2004-01-09
For anyone interested, I've joined asianavenue. Another of those sites where you can write about yourself, meet others, etc etc. Interested in my AA page? Click here.
But on a brighter note: my CLIA lecturer has saved my backside from a 'Freaky Friday'!!! Yes, I've got an extension on my essay 'till Monday now. But no later. Got to remind myself of this:
(1) write you argument out first;
(2) look at each paragraph/point;
(3) ask: does it relate to the argument, or am i just putting it in to fill in space?
(4) if it's the latter, throw it out.
Yeah, which reminds me also about my 'obese' word count. Gotta start cutting down on those words too!!!
And I had to put in on my blog too - so that I had somewhere extra to remind myself of what I have to do!
